A letter to K

Thursday, May 01, 2014

To my precious K,

Mommy got a scare this morning. We were supposed to visit you first, then go to Ikea for breakfast with Jie Jie (sister) and Ge Ge (brother). Ah Ma (grandma) was here to see you too. 

When we reached, we saw the curtains of your bed at the PICU drawn. I thought it was the usual routined stuff the medical team was doing. Daddy, Ah Ma and Mommy waited for them to be done so that we could say hi to you. After about 30 mins, we saw the consultants rushing into your room like there was an emergency crisis. From the monitor, I saw that your spO2 had dropped to 30plus. The doctors all looked anxious. At that moment, Ah Ma and Mommy broke down and cried. We knew in our hearts, that something has gone very wrong. Your heart rate and spO2 reading dropped fast. Is this it? I thought I was going to lose you at this moment. That thought was so scary and it almost choked me. I felt part of me separating from my whole, and my heart torn into pieces. 

I prayed. I prayed so hard. I petitioned to God for you. That He will be merciful and help you overcome whatever is troubling your body. That He will heal you in His special way and comfort you when you are scared. I know you are looking for me for comfort like you always do when you are scared, but right now, the best thing I can do for you is to let you rest. I cannot talk to you, not can I touch you and stroke your beautiful face, for you will sense my presence, and starts to get agitated. Your heart rate and blood pressure will shoot up,
and your oxygen reading will drop. I want you to know that keeping myself away from you is also very painful for me and I struggle in my heart to do so. I miss your smiles, your cheeky looks, your funny antics, your hugs and kisses. 

My petition to God repeated few times in my mind and I couldn't talk. While waiting for the doctors to update us on what happened, I just sat outside the PICU with Ah Ma. I wondered what she was thinking about, and that she could be as scared as me, if not, worse. We continued weeping quietly in our hearts. Daddy wept too. He must feel a lot of anguish. You are Daddy's girl too. 

Taken from Daddy's FB timeline
We realized afterward, that your heart stopped for a while. The medical team had to resuscitate you with CPR for close to 5 minutes. Dr PL also said that your condition is unstable as some parts of your lungs have collapsed. The fluid in your pleural cavity is also still there. If there is a need to, chest tubes may be put in. Mommy's praying that this won't happen as there are risks of injury to the organs nearby and other infections, but if this is one way to support your lungs while you rest, I will accept it. 

There are plans to put you back on the Extracorporeal Membrane Oxygenation (ECMO) machine as a last resort. It was just 2 months ago when ECMO had to happen in order to save your life. Dear K, please respond to the new drug that is administered. Please cooperate and not fight the ventilator. Mommy knows that with this tube in your mouth, together with many other needles poking into you, must make you very uncomfortable. And the constant noise from the ventilator can be very scary and annoying, but treat it as a lullaby lulling you to sleep in the background? I know you want to sit up, and strut around but you can't as you are paralysed by drugs. Please be patient and rest as much as possible, so that your lungs can heal. You can walk for as long as you want when you are discharged. You can play and sing Let It Go as much as you wish to, but first, let your lungs heal. The path to ECMO is a really excruciating process for all of us. Not just for Daddy and Mommy, but all our friends and relatives, as well as our loving brethren. We all got very, very worried the last time it happened as there are so many risks involved. It was painful to see you with ECMO and the constant worry that anything would possibly happen was too much to bear each day when Mommy visited. I do not wish to sign the form to give approval for this treatment to be done on you ever again. Your battle scar from the ECMO is an evidence of your last victory in February, but it does not necessarily mean you will have the same victory if it has to be performed next time. Please God, please hear my prayers. 

On a lighter note, I am so thankful to see your ever so strong fighting spirit. Even with high levels of sedative drugs, you are still fighting everything. This comforts me that you are still my dear feisty K. I'm also thankful that the medical team responded immediately when you had the scare this morning. The morning scare was an unfortunate incident but they handled well. They resuscitated you, didn't they? Daddy and I feel assured whenever we see familiar faces in the PICU. So many nurses and doctors love you. They love you so much that they know what will upset you and what will make you comfortable even when you are sedated. I am confident that they will do their best to help you through this third time you are under their charge. 

I will wait patiently for you to recover and to be awake. I will wait to see your smile when you say 'bye' to the hospital staff in your sweetest voice, added with that slight tilt of your head, on the day of your discharge. 
The song Let It Go is now playing. I remember how funny you look when the song reaches the chorus. You will go 'bah bah bah' together with the chorus and do that hand action at the part 'the cold never bothered me anyway'. I'm amazed by how much you actually remember of that song. Dear K, I will wait for you to be awake to sing it once again. The process of waiting for that day may be very painful to bear, but I will trust our Father in Heaven, that He will give you what is best for you. After all, you are also His precious K. 

Lots of love,

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  1. I held bk my tears, Mary. I am at a lost of word. I can only say, be of good courage, Mary. The Lord be with you. - Jenn (SMB)

  2. Oh my, the tears are welling in my eyes. This is such a beautiful letter. I love seeing the love that you have for your precious K. I am so sorry you had to go through that. We love you, and we miss Baby K! You and your beautiful family are in our prayers.

  3. You are God's treasured possession. Hang in there, replying on God's strength and grace. Praying for you!

  4. K is a strong little one. Praying with you that she'll be discharged soon.


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